Friday, May 02, 2008

I'm a bad, bad person

I don't know what to do. I'm actually processing this out in the blogosphere before I do something about it...
I forgot my father.
O my glory, I don't know what to do! I can't bring myself to call him and tell him I DID listen to his message that he'd be in town in a week or two and we should get together, but then forgot to answer him back.
I'm afraid I've hurt him. I'm afraid he'll yell at me (because, after all, I AM still eight years old)
I'm afraid he won't talk to me. I'm afraid he'll be mean. I'm afraid he'll say I'm a bad daughter, even though I think I'm a bad daughter, I always want my parents to tell me it's ok, they still love me.
And if I were the one who had been slighted, I would forgive, but I'm afraid.
I can't believe I did this! What's THAT about??
Thank you, anonymous internet people who may only be in my mind, thank you for listening.
Now what?
I have to do something.
I can't call him, I'm afraid.
If I write a letter, that's so lame.
Maybe I could pretend it never happened.
Yeah, "My answering machine is on the fritz."
"Oh, was that you? The sound was so crackly I didn't know WHO that was!"
I'm such an ass.
It's been burning on my conscience for a week now, and that PROVES what an ass I am. I woke up in the middle of the night last night, telling myself what a bad person I am.
It's like the longer I let this go, the worse it is, and that's exactly what an addict does, digs the hole deeper and deeper for fear of having to face the pain of cleaning up. And the cleanup is never as painful as living in the hole, but it's hard to get out of the hole.
Blah blah blah.
I've got to do it.
Lord, help!

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